| I do believe, that's disbelief |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|03:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Enrique Iglesias-Escape | ] |
Well, my parents left like, just now and I can't believe I cried.
It's got me thinking of next school year, actually. I WAS still in denial that Tajo would leave but then I know it really is inevitable.
When I go to school for registration and run my finger down the class lists, of course, I look for, Gloria, Silvestre, Tansengco but after that, I look for none other than Tajo. Oh, God, I can't believe my routine has to be broken. :-(
In fact, she's been there even since Kindergarten. And by the way, she was MY bully, until now, possibly forever.
Oh, and, I guess now it's pointless for me to be Patz since there'd be no other Patricia to be complicated with. Sure, there are others but no one carried Pats as good as Pats Tajo did. Also, have to say goodbye to the greeting of , "Hello Patses." And the Math room will most certainly never be the same seeing as I'd now sit alone at the back.
Well, whatever, I'd rather not cry over this again too. Be reminded that I'll never forget all the kagaguhan committed by Pats and Patz (TM).
Oh, and, keep in mind the song Missy and I dedicate to you...
You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love. |
|
|
| Hoo-waw. Ang bilis. |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|12:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jack's Mannequin-The Mixed Tape | ] |
Fine...So, it's kinda late. :-P Btw, Happy Anniv, Reesey. ;-)
I'm hating the fact that apathy's been controlling my mind. Somehow, all my once vibrant feelings are pitched in black and grey. Y'know...color seems rare in these eyes of monochrome. And to think, I used to be the one with the kaleidoscope eyes. *sigh*
So, wherever you are, for one last night, dream big and find your way over here. Be an angel and find your way 'cross the Airwaves. I'll be waiting here with this...
My last mixed tape for you, the last of my heart's ink, the last day I dream in technicolor.
Well, I guess it proves nothing's really over till we're dead. Hmm? |
|
|
| Take Apathy by the Hand, be Happy |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|05:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rooney-Losing All Control | ] |
For some time now, I told myself not too feel anything but happiness. Crying would only merit punishment from my ego and last time I checked, I was definitely on her bad side.
It worked. I was manhid and I felt better not feeling anything. But lately, even the Mother seemed to think something was up. It's strange 'cause when something IS up, she never seems to recognize it and when nothing's happening, she senses something IS happening.
I guess she finally senses how I feel, that is, damn bored. Everyday's the same stale thing for me, really. There's not much difference if today's a Monday, a Tuesday or a Wednesday since it'll always just be another day in my life.
Like I told Anus a bit earlier (paraphrased of course :-P)..."I think, I just did it because I was bored. I wanted to finally feel something real for me, you know? It didn't mean as much to me at first, but then, after a while, I got more than what I bargained for, definitely."
In fact, in the beginning, the decision wasn't a very big issue for me. After a while though, I got more than what I bargained for. I finally had real feelings, something I never thought I'd be able to do. I felt whole, like something was making me smile all day and putting my life into some sort of Chick-shit flick. Monday wouldn't just be Monday, it would be the Monday I was made to smile, Tuesday, the day I was made to laugh, Wednesday, the day I was made to cry...
But then, of course, after that came my downfall and I'm back to Square one again. No reason, no feeling, nothing really.
Today's a Thursday, just like any other Thursday. Oh, wow, then there'll be Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Whee. |
|
|
| They're mean. They made me go, *sniff*, a lot. |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|12:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Beatles-Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds | ] |
And I told the Zealot,
"See that, right there? That's my bounce-back line. From here, I'm just gonna picture myself on a boat, on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies."
"Isn't that a song?"
"haha. Yeah. Cause if I can, I'll try and be Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." |
|
|
| On familiar strangers, delayed omens and the papacy |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|02:19 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Angels and Airwaves-The Adventure | ] |
What, exactly, in a stranger makes them the easiest people to talk to?
Just today, a stranger texted me, hoping for a girlfriend perhaps. Since it came to, "you're too young for me!" "Yeah. And you're too old for me!"
Well, I started off by pretending I was a bisexual. It usually throws them off, like the time I said I was Bruce the bodybuilder.
This dude, however, took some time to actually learn my story. Of course, I wasn't really bi but we ended up talking about the world's favorite topic...Love.
It was great to be recognized for my honesty and to be asked what college I came from and all. haha Another head-fattening episode.
But see...thing is, this was one of my most honest (excluding the bisexual thing) conversations as of now. And it strikes me how I told no one else but a stranger. A stranger, who knows nothing whatsoever about me, has just heard me at my most honest, most open, most contemplative. Quite an astonishing feat, for I never was much of a socialite.
Then, it made me think of something else. You find a stranger and you learn to find yourself. We find these strangers, for what else are we but strangers to each other, and at times, even to ourselves?
Strange to finally see myself as a familiar stranger when whom I usually see me as, is an estranged friend. :-)
Next up, I've finally watched the "Da Vinci Code". I've read it before but movies offer visual aids and all. It was pretty good, as a matter of opinion.
Many said it shook their faith and made them stray away from Christianity. I think otherwise. I feel like it just, somehow, strengthened me and my faith.
Jesus may have married Mary Magdalene and been the ancestor of the Merovingians and sure, Emperor Constantine may have tried to carry out the "greatest cover up in history" but, I think not.
I was born a Christian. I am currently a Christian and forever will be a Christian. Others may believe what they believe. I respect that and may even kick off an objective conversation. Just don't force me to believe that Jesus is not holy cause, well, HE IS.
I <3 Jesus. :-)
A black cat walked across the street in front of me...right after I got my report card. The Fates were probably dozing off and forgot to forewarn me of my grades. Instead, I was post-warned. *sigh*
Dear Fates, do be vigilant, won't you?
And my grades were well, not the worst but they're not too pretty. Goodbye to exemption in Math. And Lit, I hate you and your narrow little brainstems. :-|
It's a humbling experience. To just come back to earth and realize you've got enough and that's something you've actually got to be happy about and be thankful for. I may not have gotten the best but I've gotten enough,and that's pretty darn good. Besides, I won't belittle what dear Jesus has blessed me with. I <3 you, Jesus. Thanks for everything.
All things are connected for a reason. I believe God made these reasons of no definite words to make us all realize something. To realize a fault, a strength, a blessing, the value of a friend. The value of the past and the future. The value of how the omens work and how the universe conspires for or against one. The value of life itself.
Dwell not on the past for it is gone. Look not too far to the future for it has not yet begun. The present is at hand and live it on the moment so when you look back to the past, it is something worth remembering.
And you walk through that hall of life, itself and you hear the pictures whispering to you, "Carpe Diem. Seize the day." |
|
|
| Nostalgiattack de Septembre |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|08:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | David Bowie-Ziggy Stardust | ] |
This one’s for one of the men I love the most, my hero. I know that today is neither your birthday nor your…passing away day, but, I just miss you,… po.:-)
This afternoon, we ended up in a remote warehouse on Pioneer Avenue which happened to have some really good antique furniture…and vintage clothing. *drool*
I found a pair of shorts (big ribbon in front, with renaissance-ish metal buttons) and they were…hoo-waw(even my Father turned slightly gay and started fixing me). Then, he saw the price and told me not to buy it anymore. :-(
It suddenly reminded me of my Grandfather and how he would have gotten it for me anyway.
When I was a kid, Mom and Dad were often at work or elsewhere and all I had were Lola and Lolo. At an early age, they taught me to love God and be religious.
Every Sunday was my favorite day. We would go to Church and after that, Lola would be off to Lovely and Bonnie’s beauty salon to surprise us with a brand-new ‘do at the end of the day, care of Lovely and Bonnie themselves.
In the meantime, Lolo and I would find ways to amuse ourselves:
1. Go shopping at the local tiangee next to the Church where I’d usually end up with a pretty, new bestida. Usually…
Me: Lolo, I want (something).
Lolo: Aii, alang kwenta iyan.
Me: Please Lolo. Favorite color ko ‘to!
Then, he’d pull out his wallet and pay the somewhat bemused saleslady.
2. Pig out at the local pizza place (corner of Scout de Guia and Scout Ybardolaza). We’d always end up eating the one with pineapples on top even if I knew he really wanted the one with onions and peppers.
3. Go to “Megamal.” Yes, Megamal. Go to the supermarket and replenish our supply of chips, cereals and ice cream, to be stored at our “mini-grocery” (a wooden cabinet beside the dining table).
4. Stay at home and watch our favorite movies and shows like “Home Along da Riles”, “Starzan”, “Mula sa Puso”, “The Return of Lone Ranger and Tonton”, “Esperanza”, etc. Basically, anything starring Philip Salvador, Ronnie Ricketts, Rene Requestas, Babalu, Vandolph and Lolo’s number one idol of all time, Tito Dolphy Quizon.
5. Do various household chores and after that, I’d be measured on our “counting wall” (basically, a wall with many lines). He’d always add a line more to my real height just to make me happy because “good girls, that help their Lola, grow faster.”
6. Try on his old hats and shades and my favorite, his giant Ruby ring which hardly fit around my thumb.
7. Have a game of solitaire and end up falling asleep in the room next to the garden with the coconut trees I nicknamed, “The Dancing Trees.”
These, and many more, made my childhood life a happy, happy memory.
Then, around the year 2000, Lolo went to the States and didn’t come back for a while. It was emphysema which later turned into lung cancer. He was a big smoker especially in his earlier days.
I watched as he slowly changed from the laughing, outgoing Lolo to the Lolo who needed to attend radiation every week, the Lolo who grew pin thin and lost all his hair, to the Lolo who wouldn’t survive without an oxygen tank, to the Lolo with tubes coming out of his mouth, to the Lolo who was immobile, to the Lolo who lived in the hospital, to the Lolo who could hardly speak or whisper, to the Lolo who barely recognized my Mother(his daughter), to the Lolo I’d never thought I’d see.
I remember the last time I spoke to him, he had just gone out of the hospital and called up our house. He was excited to see all of us since we would be seeing him the next day. His voice was light and happy and his words were hardly slurred. I thought, “Yayy! Lolo’s all well now.”
Later that night, a phone call disturbed my sleep. It was my Lola calling for my Mother to come immediately. My Lolo was not breathing.
My sister and I were left at home, huddled in a corner of Mom’s bed, praying the Rosary and crying.
I woke up with the Rosary still clutched in my hand and with dry tears on my face and pillow. My Mother’s face came into focus and she gently brushed my hair away as she said soothingly, “Your Lolo has passed away. He’s with Jesus now.”
I couldn’t help it, I cried, loudly. Kickingly, screamingly, cried out.
We went to his wake later that day and I just lay down on one of the benches, and cried. It was rather strange because I remember writing poems for my Lolo during the wake. haha They put it in his coffin, I think, along with his other belongings (hats, shades, etc.). And his Ruby ring was given to me (it hardly fits my thumb, until now. haha).
Now, 5 years after his passing and the demolishing of the old house, I was hit by a big and sudden blow of nostalgia. Another one of my nostalgiattacks.
Recently, I leafed through an old photo album and found him dressed like a Don in those three-piece tuxedo suits. There were many pictures of him dressed as such, with a tobacco in one hand and a glass of Scotch in the other. There were even pictures of him with Japanese colleagues, in a teahouse in Japan, dancing with Geisha. It turned out, he actually converted a Japanese girl named Fumiko(?) into Christianity.
There were many things I never knew about him that I wished he could tell me. Now that Lolo’s gone, I realize how much I really idolized and loved my Lolo.
I know there’s supposed to be a moral here but I won’t shout it out. Figure it out for yourself and don’t make my mistake.
He was always proud of my compositions for school and would show it off to his friends. I wonder what he’d say about this one. C’,) |
|
|
| Flyaway |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|04:24 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Beatles-Hello, Goodbye | ] |
Hello Diggory.
Tonight, a dear friend leaves.
That's one less hallway hug, one less smile in a crowd, one less Christmas gift, one less hello and one more goodbye.
So many people have left this year and so many goodbye's have been given. California, Australia, West Virginia. Even some people who stay right there can leave. They change and you forget that you used to know them.
At one point or another, there's gonna be a goodbye. Goodbye.
Like the first rays of March's summer that comes upon me and brings sweet music. Someday though, the sun becomes a foe and the music turns sour. They say these things they go away, but they never do. They do, just not as fast as we wish it to be.
It's August now, though. The rain starts to fall and washes away the bitterness. Brings it off to Never till nothing is left and all is blank, peaceful and Steady Lang.
So, dear Diggory, keep in touch. And have a nice life, doll. ;-)
Goodbye Diggory. |
|
|
| A new era for little Wingy |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|06:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | house | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Duncan Sheik-On a High | ] |
And what did it take for me to realize that? A weighing scale and twenty-plus middle-aged people fawning over the genius that is me.
haha. Just checking if you were still reading. ; )
Last Friday, The Two asked me to go their friend's 50th birthday, give a speech and play some music.
So, I gave a speech. Something about how Time and Age are but numbers we fight against; How Fate and Destiny are stupid little words that hold nothing...The usual. Then, I played the guitar. What fun.
After that, they were "interviewing" me. Asking where I planned to go for College, what career I was interested in. Saying they had contacts for this and contacts for that. And weirdest, they actually think I'm a genius.
Gawd...Never in my life...haha.
So, I thought about what I really wanted to end up as. As an engineer, I'd be darn bored. As a musician, I wouldn't have much stability. As a writer/speech-giver, I'd be depending on spur-of-the-moment thoughts. And, I just realized how impolite I am. haha.
Well, now that I think about it, there are many things I wanna do. And I can do it, there's just something more I wanna do. And that's...
Kicking up the leaves and losing all magic.
Walking through the park and stopping for a minute to kick up some leaves with raindrops falling on your head. Magic is good but sometimes we all just need a breather or two. To lose ourselves in the midst of the leaves and want nothing more than a little walk in the rain. Or to stay at home on a good rainy say, get under the covers and watch re-runs of FRIENDS before going to bed.
Thus, little Wingy moves on from the Stuff-Yourself-With-Carbs-Because-There's-Nothing-Better-To-Do Era to the "Steady Lang" era. Mister Master's right. This little Padawan needs to be, for now, steady lang.
'Cause I've tried and I've tried, and I can't really see it
Yeah, I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
I'm on a high, on a high, there's nothing more to it, yeah.
|
|
|
| A clearing. A beginning. |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|09:29 pm] |
As I bid goodbye to the Angel boy, I say hello to the other issues in my life.
One at a time, all harmless. Give them to me in one lifetime...ehh.
Just a notice:
Though I have said goodbye to Angel boy, I would like to keep the title of my blog since I do find it quite cute and I have not thought of a better name yet. Also that the Angel boy series shall be continued until the (possible) ending. I could probably put in some rather sentimental stuff related to him as well. Unfinished bussiness is not too good a thing for me, though the entries may lack the amount of love and passion they deserve. However, I shall try my best and put myself into my old shoes. |
|
|
| add me if you wanna read... |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|09:06 pm] |
|
yeah...i just locked up all my entries. I added this lj as a friend to my public lj and people, who should not read this, may pry and try to read it. how rude! *sigh... |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
1pinkribbongirl's journal